Allison: Alcoholic and Cocaine Addict

My name is Allison and I'm an alcoholic and evidently a cocaine addict too I've been sober for four years and two months and I know that this website is not just about achieving sobriety but really being happy in sobriety and that's why one of the reasons I really wanted to be here and do this because I'm an extremely happy sober person and I did not think I could get sober I drank my whole life I started drinking on a regular basis when I was about thirteen in high school and I was considered myself really lucky because at that time there was a liquor store near my high school that sold alcohol to me and I just always drank alcohol was just I didn't know that my family is not alcoholic nobody drank we didn't have alcohol in the house hardly at all but the first time I had it I loved it and I drank massive amounts of it the very first time when I was like six drank a whole bottle and passed out at and but but didn't drink again so I was 13 I could buy it myself and I went from of being a straight A student up until the time I started drinking which was ninth grade and then in 10 grade I was a B student in 11th Grade I was a C student and when I was a senior I didn't graduate because I was just busy doing other things and drinking and dating and gone you know just I didn't have any goals or focus or discipline and I spent the next let's see 30 years basically drinking and you know I think that probably i always know you know the word alcoholic like give like minute I drank more than everybody else like everybody else even like people who drank a lot lot I drank more but I didn't think it was a problem and I certainly didn't think I'd stop either because was what I did and I didn't think and when I say don't think it was a didn't think it was a problem half of that's delusional of I which I can t now and half of that is because I became very successful you know I look at the things I wanted to look at like I'm successful I have two kids know I'm you know doing all these things may be looking any of the damage I was creating to those kids to myself to all that stuff I didn't look at any about until ok four years and two months ago when I got sober but I'm ok so and I didn't get sick I didn't get sick physically I wasn't hungover I showed up for my job and so there weren't really repercussions I didn't have a friend saying you have to get help or anything like that I had a boyfriend for a while where we lived overseas and I would come back and forth and he was a bad person I shall we say they're just not in not the right person for me and I made a lot of in hindsight really really just staggering Lee bad choices at which affected my children incredibly negatively which I we'll get to that later I worked on that but I like inserted everything was always someone else's fault if there was a problem it was because I was with a bad boyfriend ivan was or you know whether I can blame everything on that was negative on someone else and I'm and I always had a boyfriend to blame things on which is convenient until probably about a year and a half to two years before I'd stop drinking was the first time that I actually didn't have a boyfriend I'm so not having somebody else will to blame anybody anything on I thought well first I thought I'll get sober I'll stop doing cocaine every day because that was all someone else's fault and just the opposite happened when I was finally by myself I could make them all the choices I wanna with nobody saying anything to me my choice was to drink all day I did cocaine every day that I could afford it which was most days and I'm I had a bad deal he didn't deliver so I mean I would drive to see my dealer to get more coke but I couldn't drive to see my kids I you which was really shameful and so for that year and a half before I got sober pretty much that great business that I created for myself and you know I just didn't really feel like showing up for it it was it's just you know I was worried about people knowing I was drunk and at that point the last year of my drinking I drink a party jug you know the handle all that I can get from Costco are cheap liquor stores a vodka every day and did probably about a gram and a half of coke I snorted it and I didn't ever really try to quit like at times I thought well maybe I'm just addicted to putting things in my nose and so I remember this is kinda pathetic but this is one of the really poor choices or stupid choices that I made as an addict I thought maybe I just like putting I like the ritual of it I like putting things chopping things up and making lines and snorting and so I tried various substances which aren't illegal like you know aspirin well not aspirin but like vitamins like maybe we can healthy anyway if you're watching this video don't try that it doesn't work anyway so for the last year I just did cocaine I drank and i watched the Food Network that's what I did the whole year I didn't go out much except of course to get more coke I will say the only thing good about that last year and a half is that now I'm an excellent chef so that great so thank you Food Network for that and what happened this is really pathetic but I said that I never got sick and I didn't I woke up I felt great all the time and one day I shouldn't say this but anyway one day I woke up and I have my vodka right next to me first thing I had before my feet hit the floor I was drinking vodka right there and I had my vodka and I went to go onto the computer and play zinga poker which is poker with imaginary money with imaginary people and I got sick to my stomach and I like I felt toxic like I was going to throw up and I was in the poker hand with managing people and I know it's going to throw up but I didn't wanna get up from my desk and so I just like decided to a kind of just throw up on myself and handle that later and I kinda consider myself a classy lady and prior to that and it was really hard after that incident to do that and I was also concerned I got sick that was you know disconcerting at any rate that was horrifying and I'm really glad we're not using last names I asked my best girlfriend if she would on this friday night to go to a 12-step meeting with me and she said yes she didn't say say gee Allison why do you want to do that but she said yes and I really did not have it wasn't even there was a conscious thought I'd like gee I should quit drinking maybe this isn't you know working in my life I didn't have those thoughts if anything I really didn't think it was possible for me to quit drinking it's what I did that's what I did every day all day and that one hand in hand with cocaine and then you know and my kids are grown by then there wasn't like I was the boss of me and so I why I quit and I couldn't quit but I thought might I'll go to one of those meetings and she went with me and I don't know why I went I really don't and I didn't expect anything I haven't had a drink I haven't had any cocaine I haven't had anything I haven't nothing and I have to tell you it has not been hard and I also should probably say because I didn't know that if you're drinking that kind of quantity of vodka if you just stop cold turkey it can kill you I didn't know that it was not I didn't go to rehab though it was just I just stopped and I was fine I got I felt better every single day I still feel better every single day since then okay now it's the part about why simply being sober is awesome I'm happy every single day the children that I didn't feel should have to spend time with me I was just ashamed of who i was I have an amazing relationship with both of them there adults and my daughter comes over for dinner every week I saw my son this weekend they're grown-ups but I love them and they're beautiful people and you know it's so good to be sober your mind opens everything you know becomes renewed this is how my sober life works I wake up every morning and I make my bed which is a really simple thing but makes me feel fantastic first of all it means I'm not in my bed anymore which is a great distinction because I used to just like spend the day in bed so wake up every day make my bed and I did today I seize the day I carpe diem I do that and you know being sober has allowed me to mend relationships with people that I thought were assholes and just improve every relationship I'm in and also with myself I have more fun now sober for sure well I did have a lot of drinking at times there was it would be silly to say it was never fun definitely fun times but now it's completely different and I still dance I go out I love being with my friends we go out we have a great time and there's just no there's no bad aftertaste you know there's no remorse or anything like that and like truly my life it just is unfolding and getting better every single day and that's really amazing and I love the life I have now and you know the first few days were hard kinda not actually were hard I just was amazed like every I remember the first twelve days like each day I thought wow I haven't done any coke I haven't had anything to drink and then after the twelth day it was sorta like boo maybe this maybe I'm just not gonna drink again and I have and I'm glad I haven't I love not drinking and I love not doing cocaine it's not like it goes away completely like I don't think people that do coke or drink are crazy people I get it because I did it for the majority of my life and I wouldn't go back to it for anything I wouldn't give up the relationships I have or anything and it is a blast every day's a blast I'm grateful for every day I get to learn things now instead of thinking I know everything that's a much better way to walk the earth I'm happy about that ok

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